February 9

Oh, how I have sought happiness, joy, peace and love! Seen it there and over there, but always somewhere else, in another person or place out there. I have chased the Holy Grail all over the world, in all kinds of men and women, children and animals too. I have run after it like any other rat in their own treadmills, been twisted in my great longing and stayed put even though it has been utterly painful. Just like you have 🙂

I’ve been searching in order not to ever find it. I have been searching to keep on searching, and for my momentary discoveries, and for my ultimate disappointment. I have been looking for what is, from where it is not. I have sought the truth from my imaginations, peace from my delusions, and love from my longing. I haven’t found anything, I haven’t really wanted to find, because I want to keep on looking. I see myself as a seeker …

I have created time and waited to achieve my goal eventually… I have maintained the illusion of time by investing my happiness and bliss in some future time, Christmas, victory, great moment, orgasm or drunkenness. I have placed myself elsewhere, in my own beautiful or terrifying imaginations, and removed my presence out of this sacred moment. I have isolated myself from reality, covering my holy being under my temporal fears and dreams. I have forgotten myself in the isolation and loneliness I find myself in. And suffered from it, too.

How I have searched! And sometimes even for a moment I have found, found something I couldn’t look for, something unknown beyond all that I knew. Those moments have been like glimpses, visions, and wonders that have filled my whole reality for a moment, days, or weeks, but eventually faded back into the unknown as I have re-grabbed the old pieces of my life puzzle and surrendered to the slavery of time as usual.

Time is an illusion and an imagination. The true Holy Grail is the embrace of love in which I create, aspire, and suffer for my imaginations and longings. I suffer just as long as I want, as long as I believe that through them I can achieve something other than the pain and suffering that is their true nature. I have suffered diligently for a long time and I am starting to get enough of it, it is enough even for me!

At this point, the idea of death may emerge, the relief we imagine death will bring to the sufferer. But even death is a fantasy, and the Holy Grail or the love of the universe for you, will carry you both in life and death, in eternity. Then the death of body through sickness or by your own hand will not help or save you from trouble, for the mind that drove the body to death is also in the arms of love. After the so-called death it creates according to your own will a new body through which your eternal mind can continue creating its time and existence, its suffering. All this in vain, but only just as long as anyone wants it 🙂

A man over a hundred years old was once asked what is the secret to his long and healthy life. He said that he had avoided any swirling thoughts or the very emotionss that have curled up in desire and fear to create the illusory pains of time. I can also give up the thoughts that bother me, leaving them like the used napkins that have been swirling in the darkness of my unconsciousness for ages. Whenever I notice one of them rising to the surface of my mind to be encountered, I just let go of the familiar to encounter the unknown..

One day, after unraveling my blanket of fear, I can finally make room in my mind for the Holy Grail or for the peace and love in whose arms I have played these frightening games of fear. Only by giving up what I know, or by dying to my old thoughts and emotions, can I ever recognize the unknown wonder carrying me. Only by forgetting my temporal self can I ever recognize the timeless Holy Grail in whose loving arms I create and sustain my world. Only by giving up my fear can I ever find that I have always been supported by the joyful miracle of Life, Life itself.