March 17

Once the leader of a course led me in meditation to the Sun, into its spiritual core. I found deep bliss and wonderful peace and lightness there. I had no worries nor troubles, I had arrived. I remember returning almost reluctantly back to the floor of our course hall, where my body lay completely relaxed and deeply renewed. I had experienced something wonderful…

Only just now some 15 years after that experience I realized I had met there my own free and unlimited being, the endless creativity and love within which everything grows and develops, myself. I had experienced the core of my being, the one that pulsates in you as well creating our worlds. That which we all have immersed deep in the swamp of guilt, for we have all learned to fear ourselves, our own almighty and fundamentally unlimited creative power so like the Sun itself.

The Sun does not ask anyone if it can shine or send its own creative and benevolent radiation in all possible directions whenever and wherever it happens to be passing. The sun does not ask whether the recipients of its love are black, red, blue, green or white. The sun does not wonder whether its rays are accepted by other different and infinitely wonderful beings. The sun does not doubt itself or its own existence, but gives its all to all who turn to it and even to those who do not care about it. The sun does not retain its radiation, the sun has no limits.

I, too, am a sun, an infinite being of endless creative and benevolent force of life. I have just lost myself in an experience here on Earth, where once a long time ago, with my friends, we decided to try out what would happen if we unlimited beings imagined for ourselves to be limited for awhile. What would come out of that?

Well, that was the birth of this reality of ours, where right now we are fluttering in the chastisement of our increasingly limited play, for we have completely forgotten that we are the unlimited that once started this play of limits for its own fun. Just because we wanted to have a new wonderful experience!

Aren’t you starting to feel that this game has gone far too long? Shouldn’t we finish a game when it only produces suffering and anxiety for all its participants? And doesn’t even a sadomasochistic game have a commonly agreed word of safety that finishes it and stops the other right away? Did our game become so real that we no longer want to stop it because we fear it will mean death?

We no longer remember that we as suns are omnipresent creators of our own reality, that we ourselves also created that notion of death that we now so are afraid of. That is why we do not dare to end our horrific game. Not even though it produces imagined death for us and our neighbors and for the endless variety of life on this beautiful and wonderful Earth. We are all fucked up with our own imaginations, hanging onto our own limited dreams…

It was only in the last few days that I realized what was creating those boundaries in me or what is the ultimate cause and carrier of my suffering. Once upon a time, I decided to imagine that I was not a sun radiating unlimited love of creation, but something less, something limited. To experience this I had to deny my own infinity, I had to hide it somewhere deep in the depths of my soul. I had to forget myself.

So I denied my own infinitely loving being and set out to create a world of limited love. And already my first step into that limitation gave rise to guilt, or the feeling that I had done something wrong and denied something essential or myself. Thus arose a sense of good and evil, right and wrong, and gradually an imagination of life and death. A dichotomous world was born in which, pressed by that mistake and the guilt growing out of it, we desperately try to find a final solution to free ourselves from the grieving yoke of guilt. A solution that we can never find in this dichotomous world of matter because of its endless change that cannot ever stop. The world of time and matter will keep on swinging back and forth forever… 

We have gone deeper and deeper into the swamp of guilt and we are sinking deeper day by day into its appalling inconsolability. We are sinking into our own imaginations, which we as their creator have the power and opportunity to stop at any moment. That’s what all healthy and innocent children do when their play starts to feel boring and unnecessary. But we dare not stop our game, for we fear it will mean our own death.

And of course, when a game or a play ends our associated character also dies. This happens unless we ourselves, for some reason, want to continue the same game later on. Infected with guilt, we think that we must not stop playing, for we believe that one day we will be able to play a perfect game in this imperfect world of matter. That’s why we keep on trying and hitting our sore heads on the brick wall of guilt: Dunk, dunk, dunk…

You stop hitting your head against the wall the moment you realize it will never lead to anything. When we realize that we have the right and the power to end that suffering and give up the futile hope of guilt, that one day we will be able to hit our head against the wall without hurting ourselves. All suffering ends when it is given up and when it is no longer believed to beautify anyone or anything. All that is awful dies when you let it die in your own mind. And anything is possible when you no longer limit your own creativity. You don’t need to continue this awful game anymore.

You yourself are a sun, the eternal creator of your own universe. What do you want to create now when the games of limitation and growing guilt have been played out? What else can you create freed from the imagined clutches of guilt? What do you really want as the unlimited unity behind all the limitations you just imagined for a while? You are now free to choose!