What is it me that time after time chooses to take over the pain of my beloved, to carry it in the name of Love? Why should loving be so painful? What is it that I have not understood? What is the mis-take that leads me to ever increasing pain? I need to know, to take true Love as my focus instead of all the pain of my past.

I yearn for Love, I hope to find Love, I live for Love. But do I love? What is it really, this many-faceted source of splendor around which we all spin our lives? What is it to love, really?

Something in me knows Love as the source of all life, the benevolent something that allows us to explore life in all the possible ways. Love is like the Sun blessing all of us equally with its loving rays. Love is the air allowing the ongoing cleansing breath for all of us. Love is the Earth supporting life in all of its splendor. Love is the nourishing mother who embraces her child freely so that the child gets to grow freely into a form, which most beautifully expresses Love through him. Love is like a wise father who directs his family and society into forms that allow Love to shine through all individuals. Love is the good in us, Love is God in us, Love is the greatest ideal ever expressed. Can I live Love?

Pain is time, pain is hurt that I have gathered upon my glorious being during the past times I have been living as a human being. Pain is the result of unfinished experiences in the past carried into the present to create a future of their kind. Pain is past taking over the unlimited now ever given to us by the timelessness of Love. Pain is not love, pain is an experience powered by Love yearning to be finished in Love, to be turned into wisdom for further creation in Love.

Why would I choose to carry somebody’s pain? Why would I choose to suffer in order to free somebody else from his or her own pain? Am I truly helping anybody by doing this, myself or the other? I cannot resolve somebody else’s pain nor can they resolve my pain, we are all responsible for our own pains as we all create and carry our own burdens, those we believe in.

I sense some guilty consciousness within me constantly leading me to this dead end. Something terrible that choose to keep on judging myself for, to hang myself on the same cross that Jesus was taken down from already over two millennia ago. I have not dared to release my guilt, to let go of judging a terrible deed once done. Once so long ago that I do not even remember it. But still I carry it and let it thwart my expression of Love, to diminish it and turn it into a mere splinter of its true glory. I am running a program of the past that time after time turns my Love into pain.

Is it really worth it? Could I do better? I want to Love, to express it through every aspect of my humanity! Who or what keeps me away from it, away from my heartfelt dream of loving like Love loves itself in us?