July 7

FlowerInYourPainCoverI wrote this post couple of days ago when my pain of being, pain of seemingly not living the life I was meant to be, was at its most intense. I wrote to see and to reveal myself to me, to reach beyond the pain that was consuming me. I wrote to get through the disappointment that has been a constant theme of my life. “There needs to be something else” was my driving force. And that something else was revealed to me the following night when I could not take the pain anymore. The pain opened up and gave way to life, to peace that has always been mine and yours as well, for sure. But to get there I needed to face my disappointment, the program that had been running my life until now. This is how I set about doing it:

Disappointment is running in my veins. My disappointment is my appointment with my own destiny, the program of death and disaster running my life. I am here to face disappointment and to get over and beyond it. Why should I otherwise have chosen to live on this planet Earth full of disappointed and dissatisfied people running a disastrous program of life-experience heading for a total distraction of all living beings on this wonderful planet? Why would I otherwise be here as there surely are other planets providing more peaceful and harmonious circumstances for a life-experience? I chose a life on Earth for a purpose. I wanted to reveal my own program of disappointment to me.

I have been very successful in creating disappointment, it’s been my life-purpose! My parents were disappointed with each other, I grew up to be disappointed with them as they in their disappointment could not meet my yearning to be loved, to be seen, touched and heard. My mother left me in her own disappointment, she disappeared in her illness. My father disappeared in his own disappointment, into a futile fight to earn the love of this world. Only those who paid heed to the subtle masters of disappointment ever got the blessings of the world.

I grew up to be a disappointed youth who disappointed his teachers as I did not use all my talents as I was so disappointed with the society I was supposed to grow into. I did not want to grow to be an adult in such a disappointing world. I grew up to disappoint all and everybody.

I disappointed my professors in the university as I did not want to play the game assimilation, of becoming one of their kind. I disappointed those who dreamed of me becoming a new world teacher, I couldn’t  play their game either. And I disappointed my first wife as I could not stay by her side even though she had given me two sons carrying my name. I left her and disappointed also my sons in so doing as I felt that I needed to get along with my disappointment.

The great start of my literary career also ground up in a disappointment as I could not live up to the lofty ideals I wrote and spoke about. I was disappointed with myself. And my world happily mirrored it back to me.

I met a new wife with shining eyes and gradually disappointed her as well. In my wake I left another set of two sons to grow up with the disappointment of a disappearing father. I began to see myself as the cause of much pain and disappointment. Thus I tried to make good, to atone for my disappointing life. I married someone who needed saving and totally failed in my endeavor, I was saved instead by the experience as I was lead to see all of my sons with equal love. And I was finally saved from my wife by my Mother, my only remaining outside link, who on her last visit to us asked me quietly: Are you happy, my son? – I wasn’t. I was fully engrossed with my disappointment. I left my third wife. My Mother soon died thereafter. She had fulfilled her love for me.

I soon found one more wife to get disappointed with. With her I actually found something to be happy about, satisfied. Our daughter with her sparkling eyes has never disappointed me; I have learned to love another human being. After having left so many wives behind I finally decided not to repeat it with the fourth one, and then she left me. She died and left me with my beloved daughter, and I was not disappointed by her or by the challenge. It felt good to face the responsibility I had failed to bear earlier. I felt strong and powerful.

After a while I was ready for new disappointments. I married for the fifth time willing to create a good and supporting world for my beloved daughter. My wife brought with her three kids around the age of my daughter. Gradually they all fitted well together. She also came in with an enthusiasm about my work, my writings that had been my life-line through my life of disappointments. Her enthusiasm soon faded when she got to live with me. She also woke me up from my sexual slumber which also lead to great many disappointments as we had difficulties in finding harmonious communion of our shared desires. We both lived out our individual disappointments, our own programs of doubt, death, drama and destruction. We were the sole masters of our lives!

Quite a successful life of disappointment, don’t you think! I once even thought of writing it out as fiction and to call it the story of Ernest Victor Failsure. What a masterful story! I am quite a success!

What else could I create? Or what else have I been creating as this creating of disappointments obviously has not yet run its full course? I am still alive! What is it that is keeping me alive in spite of my program of disappointment? What is it that allows me to experience all this?

The great mystery of Love has never disappointed me. It has allowed me to experience my life just the way I have wanted, given me all the disappointments I have ever yearned for, or carried within my soul. Would I now finally be ready to let go of getting disappointed? Would I be ready to choose something else, for example a union with Love itself that has already given me so much of what I have wanted, both consciously and unconsciously? Would I dare to let go of getting disappointed? Haven’t I by now got enough of that stuff?

Obviously neither I or the people in my life starting from my parents onwards have never been perfect. Thus the people have been able to feed my sense of being disappointed. They have fitted my bill! Thank you for all that you have ever done for me! You have helped me to keep my disappointments alive. You have finally made my destructive program visible for my eyes, made it felt in the whole of my being. Thank you for all the disappointments I have been able to create out of what you are and have been!

The same applies for this wonderful world of imperfection with all of its devastation, wars and destruction of Life in its bountiful forms. It is a truly magnificent mirror of my own destructive dissatisfaction and disappointment, a true image of my own program of destruction. Thank you all living beings who have shared your life with me to give me this vital experience of what I have been carrying in the depths of my soul. I am grateful for it all! Thank you!

Where has all this disappointment and destruction played itself out? What is the canvas upon which my devastating and disappointing games have been so gloriously painted? What is it that has allowed all my disappointing programs to be fully realized?

Whenever I have been able to face my disappointment or allowed it to dissolve in the focus of my being I have been blessed by harmonious joy, by peace that has no source but itself. I believe that state of being to be my true nature, the living loving unlimitedness out of which and within which we all create our lives according to our current programs. It is the source within and beyond all of my disappointments, which has  allowed me to choose the life I have wanted to experience. It is the holy Life within me ever loving each and everyone of us equally. The giver of all Life.

My program of disappointment has run its full course. Everything in my Life is just as it should be, I am blessed and I am grateful for all that I have ever experienced. I am ready for my appointment with Life, with the mystery of Love ever waiting beyond all of my programs of pain ! I am.