I am the light shining through, the eternal point of creation flowing through me towards all directions of space. I am the space being filled by itself, God getting to know itself through my individual answer to its first and only question ever: Who am I?

Wherever my answers have ever led me I have always been with the loving embrace of my origins, within my holy father/mother/source. I have always been one with the one, and so will I be through eternity. What is it I now want to create and experience when I see that I am an eternal being, and will ever be? What do I want to keep on expressing all through eternity?

Just a moment ago I read some of my postings and was amazed to realize how often I had found myself in the clutches of enormous and almost unbearable pain. I had come to the end of my tether time after time, and trembled there blindly knowing that there must be a way out of here! And I always found the way, found the peace within that resolved all my pain. I found love and joy, and then eventually I lost it and found myself again in this recurring pain. A circle, a flow, a mystery.

Yesterday morning I came back home from Helsinki where I had attended a spiritual fair called Hengen ja Tiedon messut in my own old high-school Helsinki SYK. I had met some good friends and presented my books to some people. I had also met Jeremy Quick with whom we had lived through the days of September in an intensive flow of honest spiritual sharing in our blog ”30 päivää syyskuussa”. It was great fun, just as it was great fun to write with him. 30 days of sharing across 30 years of age difference and over the whole of Finland as Jeremy was in Lapland and I on the Åland islands. I have actually compiled our texts into a book manuscript and I trust it shall find both its publisher and its readers.

My daughter Tindra was with me for the first time. She loved the fair greatly, all those beautiful angels and clothes that were on sale and the lovely people who had eyes to see her shining beauty. Her presence was pure and simple and she said that she wants to come with the next time around. I said that she can be my assistant to which a friend of mine snapped: ”No, you can be her assistant!” Such is her beauty!

I am sure that my own beauty was shadowed and made even grayer by the pain that I had again carried for some days. I had found myself in a space where I felt unable to touch my wife or to let her touch me. A burning pain isolated me from her, us from each other and I felt unable to deal with it, it was of such intensity. Maybe the intensity was brought about by the intensive ”30 days of September” with Jeremy, who knows? But anyhow I was being eaten away by this pain.

I even wrote a text called ”I am in Pain” just before leaving to Helsinki. It is of such intensity that I do not want to print it here. And the unusual thing about the writing was that usually writing my pain down on the paper gives me a certain distance to it and allows me to release it. But this time around it did not happen, which made me even more worried.

The gist of the text was that we had both recently triggered the deepest point of sexual pain in each other, we had opened up the box of ugly worms in each other and been scared by it. We both lived in total isolation, curled within our pain or its opposite, the cold coolness of not caring. How to resolve that? How to go on?

On the ferry on our way back home I was worried and in fear, I did not know how to face my wife. We came to Mariehamn 4.30 am and about a half an hour later we were at home. ”Good night and good morning to you, dear Tindra”. That was easy, but what happens when I get beside my wife?

Nothing much happened. She said that she had thought that we would come earlier and had thus been a bit worried. I had nothing much more than practical matters to talk about until I turned away in pain. I truly felt that I could not touch her.

After a while she said that she wanted to talk through this, we just could stay behind our walls. OK, I turned slightly towards her. Let’s see…even though we still stayed in the dark of the night.

She said what she had had on her mind. I listened. I said what I had had on my mind. And she listened. Somewhere in the silence in between I somehow withdrew my pain from her, I took it back to myself and relieved her from the responsibility. At the same moment I felt a change within myself, a release and a peace, which started to grow in my chest, in my heart. My energetic right arm clearly reached out to Juliane to embrace her, and after a moment I dared to let my physical arm to follow it. We embraced openly and fully for the first time after a long isolation.

That’s it! Be clear, honest and open with your partner, and your world, and withdraw all the reasons for pain that you have slung over to others as guilt. Take your pain back to you! That is where it once started and that is where it is maintained and recreated as new recurring experiences of the same. Take it all back! And find love awakening in your own heart! That’s the key, all that you ever need!