September 29

14088667_10210495144714941_6181408313608421071_nYesterday I was busy. I left three of our kids home while I took the fourth to her theatre rehearsal. I was planning to come straight back to the others even though it was 30 kms back and forth. But then I met an angel, which just smoothly changed my plans…

The angel was a friend of mine, who was sitting in a cafe planning a future love action in this same mall with his friend. I saw them and went to them directly and stayed put for almost 1,5 hours until it was time to fetch my daughter from the theatre rehearsal.

This is what happened: He greeted me openly and lovingly and said that he had understood from some FB comments of mine that my relationship or marriage was going towards its end. Yes, I had hinted something like that, but had not directly written about it. He brought the matter up directly and I told him all about it.

And he said that he had seen the trouble brewing when I had first told him about my new marriage some three years ago. I had been so eager to make this marriage work, to see all of it with golden eyes and do my uttermost to make it true. I had been reaching out towards my ideal, which in his mind spells trouble.

He had also followed all that I had written in this blog, and actually commented that I had not written anything lately. He had seen all the trouble and pain that I had worked with and the occasional openings to to love, joy and bliss. But the pain was the dominant emotion, the pain of reaching out to an ideal.

I had not written anything in the blog as I had lately been concentrated on the Finnish market, where things had been opening. Just a couple of months ago I had also published my newest book Kun miehen sydän avautuu (When the Heart of a Man Opens), which is an honest description of what I have been going through these past years, reaching through my actual pain towards the loving joy that I know to be also my own true nature and source. Actually after having written the book a friend of mine gave me little book about the basic tenets of buddhism and I realized that I had lived through Buddha’s teachings.

Buddha says that there is pain. It is the basis of human experience on Earth, which we all share in one way or another and with which we all cope in our individual ways fighting it, denying it or succumbing to it. Buddha’s advice was to accept it, to see it and then seek to understand it, to listen to what the suffering has to tell. Buddha knows that there is a way through the human suffering, a dissolution of it in loving acceptance and understanding. Buddha’s way is my way.

We had a long and intense discussion with my angel in the mall. He wanted to remind that I was the paper upon which my character, my personal image was drawn. I was not the character, this Klaus Ra struggling to realize his ideals, but the paper or canvas upon which the struggles of Klaus Ra where drawn. I was the sea of light that occasionally chose to materialize itself as waves like Klaus Ra or this angel of a friend.

And I said to my angel that every atom has two different seemingly opposite descriptions, a wave reaching out to all directions of space and a particle present in one particular point of space. Or with the words of Wikipedia: ”Through the work of Max Planck, Einstein, Louis de Broglie, Arthur Compton, Niels Bohr and many others, current scientific theory holds that all particles also have a wave nature (and vice versa).This phenomenon has been verified not only for elementary particles, but also for compound particles like atoms and even molecules.”

The funny thing is that we human beings, whose bodies consist of those atoms actually spread all over the space, still think that we are just our bodies or this particular point of space, where our body happens to be in time. We accept the eternal wave-nature for atoms and all matter consisting of them, but we stubbornly refuse to accept our own eternal wave-nature or spirit as an eternal part of what we are, or actually as the source of what we are as a material point in space.

My angel and I seemed to be saying the same thing, but we realized that there was a slight difference in our understanding; I suspected my angel of just wanting to stay blissed out like some characters have chosen to see as the end-product of human life. I wanted to remain active and creative in my consciousness of being the wave, or the One, and the particle, its expression as a human being in this world. My ideal was to be the both of them at the same time…

After an intense sharing we parted amicably, and I went via Alko, the liquor store, and bought a bottle of wine. I fetched my daughter and drove home to the others, fixed some simple dinner and drank quite a lot of wine. I was stressed out…

I woke up in the morning with a clarity of knowing something, of remembering. I now understood that my angel was right: I had suffered to live up to my ideal, my human vision of what a relationship could be with a person who did not have the same vision at all. And that I was also suffering, being stressed out, trying to live up to my ideal of what my relationship to God’s divine sea of energy should be.

I was fighting for the ideals of the tiny point called Klaus Ra within the enormous embrace of God’s divine waves of Love. Could I not just accept the Love and live it from moment to moment? To truly be the One that I am beyond all the points of expression I can ever choose to be?