I have not written anything in my blog for almost a year. I have not had anything to write. For over five years I had written here about my painful experiences of life. It all started in spring 2012 when my wife Lena had just died after six and a half years struggle with breast cancer and left me alone with our seven year old daughter. My method of living and writing was to let the pain (caused by whatever!) build up to such proportions that I could not bear it anymore. Then by spilling my pain on the paper, or the screen, I was then able to find a way through it and to resolve it. This created the infamous Rahikainen method of orgastic release of recurring pains.

Last year in July 2016 I published my latest book Kun miehen sydän avautuu or When the Heart of a Man Opens. Some months later in October I moved back to Finland from Åland where I had lived for the past 15 years. My daughter had also been born there. After a total tour of 20 years – the first five years I of it on the mainland – my odyssey in the Swedish speaking Finland was now over. I returned to Finland where I was directed to move to the heartland of the silent Finns in Häme. My father was born there but I had never lived there before.

Also my latest marriage of three years, which was characterised by the forementioned Rahikainen method, was over. Only in the late spring this year after I had spent the dark and cold winter months mostly alone in my new man cave of a house did I finally realize the fault of my method. Yes, it did lead to occasional real breakthroughs of release and understanding, but never to harmony or stability. And the reason, which I suddenly saw one day, was that I had been hiding an ugly truth within myself. I had tried to save my many wives and my world, or to change them, so that I would not need to face a hidden truth of myself.

For all these years I had been carrying a heavy emotional baggage from my childhood. I had cleverly hidden it behind my obvious intelligence and wisdom about so many things and issues. I had made myself blind to myself and tried to help others to recover from their to my eyes so obvious blindness. It was so easy to see the fault in that other person or in this world, but so utterly difficult and shameful to see the same in myself, or in the only person whom I can ever truly influence!

My shameful findings were the following: I had hidden the basic emotional atmosphere of my early childhood deep in my heart. It consisted of two emotional aspects, one from my mother and the other from my father, which together made up a grippling whole. First the fearfully unbalanced energies of my mother, who suffered from manic-depressive or bipolar symptoms all the way through my childhood until my parents divorced around my 20th birthday. And secondly my father’s total inabilty to emphatize or to understand his wife, who was suffering and getting sick in their shared battle of fragile artistic souls. Father just had the upper hand because of his traditional male role. And both were suffering of it, and blaming each other for their pains. Now that I write this down I remember that somewhere during my childhood I swore to do better than my parents, but I did not know how!

When I saw all this, when my hidden motivation for trying to save my wives of my world was suddenly revealed to me, I was left in a total emptiness. There was nothing left of me, of my raison d’être. I was mostly curious but also had a little twinge of fear for I did not know whether there would ever be anything else. Was this death? Or what?

Gradually life moved on, the needs of our everyday life with my daughter pushed me onwards. I trusted that something will turn up, that life will show me the way.

There were two essential aspects of life that turned up just when they were needed. One was a weekend course of the 5rhythms, which is a therapeutic method of dance developed by Gabrielle Roth from USA and the other was Sadhguru of India, who was introduced to my life by a Canadian medical doctor and writer Gabor Maté with whom we had made a contact of like-minded souls working to solve the mystery of our human pain.

I had always loved dancing, dancing wildly and freely to all kinds of rhythms. I had even attended several courses of 5rhythms, but that was many years ago. Lately I had been stuck, I had been unmoving.

When I finally allowed myself the joys of dance I was directly lead to the revelation discribed above about my hidden motives. The five different rhythms organized into a gradually intensifying and then dying pulse of life released both laughter and tears from my soul. I was alive again after a long period of hibernation!

Around the same time Gabor Maté told me about the real changes that had taken place in him – even his wife agreed! – after he had listened to Sadhguru and then applied his teachings in the context of a daily yoga practice he had learned in program Sadhguru had developed. After a long battle with grief Maté found a true opening in his life!

I was happy for Maté, but not so very keen on following in his footsteps. I was looking for something more rational after having had my own disappointments with those guru types. I was currently into Norberto Keppe, who as a doctor and psychiatrist had developed a trilateral method for solving the problems of the human mind and the human world. He was working in Brazil, where something beautiful was obviously taking place. And I could see in his practical approach some ”trilateral” similarities to what Rudolf Steiner had said about the ideal structures of a human society. I had already contacted some people near Keppe and they had even suggested that I come for a visit. But after that the contact evaporated. They never answered my mails again…

After some weeks I found that YouTube is full of short films where Sadhguru in his direct and humoristic manner punctuates any of the problems that might ever trouble a human mind. I noticed how watching and listening to them made me joyous and powerful, they brought my mind to peace and balance. I was enthralled by what I could hear and by what happened in myself when I just intuitively chose one Sadhguru after another and listened to them with focused intent.

And now for about two months I have listened to Sadhguru almost daily getting ever deeper into what is. Last night something really fell in place or became clear to me. I am totally in charge of my thoughts and emotions and of the bodily experience of life I get through them. The thoughts that I choose to entertain in my mind are the most volatile of these creative elements. They in their turn influence my emotions, which follow the thoughts with a little drag or more slowly. And the emotions thus maintained in their turn influence and form my body by creating both joyful and painful consequences in it.

I am neither my thoughts, my emotions nor my body. They are all three like sheaths of energy around my true being or that which I am beyond, before and after them all. These three sheaths – thoughts, emotions and body – are all made of the same creative stuff or energy, which is gradually transformed so that it becomes more and more materialistic or slower. I am the sole creator of my life experience within these sheaths of intensifying energy or matter. I am none of them, but I am the sole ruler of them all.

My responsibilty as a consciously living being in this world is in keeping my being balanced and in harmony with all life around and within me. And the only way to it is in choosing to be in love and joy whatever happens in my thoughts, in my emotions, in my body or in my world. For love and joy are not a consequence of something happening to me, but the true nature of the enormity of life happening both in the microscopic worlds within me and in the vastness of the universes around me. Life is joy taking place, and I can now choose to be a conscious creator in the vast bosom of life itself. Thank you Sadhguru for showing me the way, for walking along with me for awhile!