April 30

Yesterday was the first warm day of spring. I sat in the yard swing in the evening and was at peace with everything. And then I saw what this is all about. Everything is so simple and clear. 

During the day I had heard dizzying stories about people who had yearned, wanted, and longed for some things. Their will had eventually come true exactly as they had desired, and their sorrows had grown exponentially. They had suffered the consequences of their own will. Just like me. 

I, too, had always got what I really wanted. It was particularly true in my close relationships, all of which have been exactly what I had needed and desired at that moment of life. And repeatedly that very trait had ultimately led to the failure of our relationship, and to a new longing. 

My own perspective and will is ever too blind and narrow, and I will never be able to reach anything truly enduring and lasting from my own loneliness and isolation. My own will grows out of fear and guilt, andfrom my desire to escape my experience of insignificance. My own longing grows out of grief, and therefore produces only grief, anxiety, and repetition.

There are also people who tell about their life in the following manner: “I was born, raised and attended my schools. I dreamed of this or that, but the door in that direction did not open. Then another door opened, ananother opportunity. I walked in through that door and then later I was given a new opportunity. I accepted it, did my best and it led to my current position in life. I am amazed by my wonderful success. Oh, and I also realized my dreams of youth. Look at this!”

So, we have two completely different choices all the time. Either we follow our “own will” shaped by the sorrows and fears of our past, and realize the troubles of our past as old futures, or we realize some greater and mightier will, and let the forever unknown miracle of Life be realized through us as well. Is your will in the service of your own past or the holy present of Life? Do you live in your lonely fear or in the endless bliss of Life Itself? Very simple, isn’t it? 

You don’t have to do anything to be a beloved of Life. Life Itself loves you into this bodily form, where you, moment by moment, choose either the will of your past sorrows or the happy and miraculous will of Life Itself. This love takes place right here, right now and only now, now, now…

“May your will be done, not mine.” It does not mean the will of any fearful lord or fool, nor the will of any wife, husband, or any other lonely and anxious being. It does not mean my will or yours, but it means the will of the unknown miracle supporting all life. A will that my fearful little self can never overcome, reach, or achieve. I have come to the end of my wits, I am no longer needed. May your will be done!