I am sitting in my usual chair by the wall of our house, looking contentedly over the garden towards the train track and the lake. There is a smell of smoke in the air, as smoke is still quietly rising from the bonfire I lit yesterday at the back of the yard. Ellan, or our mother cat living next door, came to greet me; it has something on its nose that I clean away. She did not jump into my lap, as her son Adam usually does, but remained next to my chair to be scratched.

A little further afield, Adam lies relaxed in the sun with his paws in the air, but when his mother comes closer, he follows it gently and eventually settles down on a board next to the house to see what Ellan is up to. I sit in this sweet peace, serenity and joyful tenderness between the cats and myself, even though a moment ago I was in the grips of deepest anxiety…

Early yesterday morning, I lit a huge bonfire that had been waiting to be burned at the back of the yard for a year. We put it together in May last year with my son. He then spent a month with me because he wanted to face everything that had been left between us after I had separated from his mother when he was only a couple of years old. There were strong feelings, challenges and tensions, accusations and even guilt…

After the bonfire had roared for a moment with a huge sky-seeking flame, I went to throw the twigs left at the edges in the middle. As I did so, I had a curious weakness attack and sweated profusely from that relatively little hustle and bustle. I collapsed into some miraculously small and cramped space that went on…

I moved all day shuffling in deep distress. I was able to do little more than read and make sure that the bonfire was burning well. I wondered about the origin of my trouble, the reason for it.

At noon a friend of mine happened to send me a message to ask me what is my biggest trauma and fear. In the middle of my anxiety and weakness I replied that the trauma is to have missed the full level of love and acceptance that I yearned as a child, and my fear is that I will never learn to love fully and joyfully.

My friend replied that she saw that and behind it still a deep feeling of unworthiness. I was left anxious even though I enjoyed the video about overcoming unworthiness she also posted. During the day, the bonfire almost burned out, but still kept on smoking…

When I went to bed in the evening, a sweet feeling of joy and power filled my mind for a moment, but disappeared again when I went early in the morning to rake some leftover bits and pieces into the still smoldering bonfire. I collapsed into my anxiety again. What the heck!?

I had tried to dodge my anxiety by eating, drinking, reading, and even smoking a little cigar. Nothing had worked. I could nothing but to settle down to listen to its message.

I sat in my rocking chair at first, but I could not find the state of peace that I knew to be inside me, and supporting me. I continued to the couch in my reading corner, where quite a mound of books was waiting for the reader. I was doing some local history work that most of the books were related to…

But I grabbed A Course In Miracles from the corner of the table, and opened it from a random page. It read:

“We recognize that we have lost this goal (of innocence) if anger blocks our way in any form. And if a brother’s sins occur to us, our nar­rowed focus will restrict our sight, and turn our eyes upon our own mistakes, which we will magnify and call our “sins.” ”

That text gave me like a lever of truth that allowed me to stop and overcome or melt away the anxiety swirling in my mind. I realized my own sense of worthlessness grew from a deep sense of guilt that the ruthless judge’s voice in the back of my mind tried in vain to alleviate by condemning others and my whole world quietly and — even less quietly. 

I realized that there is nothing or anyone to condemn from the presence of this sacred truth arising from this inner joy and peace. In love, everything is already well, right and beautiful, even though the old afflictions of my mind and the endless imbalance of my world keep on trying to get me out of it: ”Just judge this one thing, and that one guy… And think how stupid they were and how they were so wrong,” and so on…

The bonfire of guilt and the judge that supported it has been burned. All the anxiety of my son and myself has been released into the winds of heaven. And I can go on sharing bliss with my black cats, the one that is also sustaining me in joy, peace, and love. Amen.