July 2

This is quite the wildest and most important thing I have ever written! The most painful and sweetest revelation I have ever dared to experience, see, and even write of. Uhhuh…

I have recently been able to travel in this ever renewing moment of eternity with a being of my own kind who is also determined to uncover everything and to turn the last stone to reveal even the deepest secrets and fears of the human mind. In her gentle mirror and through our bold mutual sharing, I have become ever more visible to myself.

At first I realized how the innocent and free joy emanating from us really is the ultimate nature of all living beings, that is what we all really are. We have just each wrapped our joy in our own individual blanket woven of fear, grief, anxiety, and other dark feelings. But in truth only joy exists, everything else is just a moment’s imagination in a person’s own lonely and twisted mind.

I also realized that in that joy I want to be kind and honest to all the beings I ever encounter, or to share with them the joy that is the only real feeling in the midst of the shadows born out of the delusions of fear. And I find that I am able to be kind and benevolent to all the people and other beings I meet in the daily moments of my life.

But this morning I realized that one great bastard of my mind had gone unseen and unrecognized. One illness and an arrogance growing out of fear that I had not yet known nor dared to see in my own mind. And it only became apparent when this particular loving creature dared to come close enough to reveal and to awaken the madness of my manhood. Only then could it show its true face.

I have said many times that my life has been a constant encounter with my own shadows and especially with phenomena that I have despised or that I have had an inherent aversion to. Life took me to the Finnish-Swedish world for 20 years so that I could consume all the contempt and suspicion I had carried towards that ethnic group. At the same time, I got over my linguistic identity as a Finn and found my true self behind the languages I ever used. In my own being, I was also able to combine the masculine and individual features of Finnishness with Finnish-Swedish qualities of femininity and communality. I also got a new language of my own as well as a lovely daughter whose mother tongue is Swedish.

Another similar conquest came when I got to know the core of Germanism through my German wife and by diving into the fountain of guilt still thriving there because of the atrocities and extreme violations of humanity realized by the Nazi regime. Germanism is the culmination of human rational intelligence on a global scale, and the Nazis in their own time and with their inherent effectiveness, realized the arrogant dream of our fearful intelligence by trying to control everything and everyone, the same which is currently seeking its fulfillment on the global scale through the corona pandemic. That dive showed me that within me – and all other people – lives that same little Nazi who wants to control the others just to control his own fears. That insight was not easy to swallow, but still utterly important and necessary. And the final phase of that revelation took place when I woke up this morning.

I only realized just a few days ago in the freedom of loving intimacy the third and most important “inherently” disgusting and to some degree despicable phenomenon that I have been drawn to, which has, of course, been women, those miraculously unattainable beings with whom we are dancing this dance of humanity. A woman is a strange and chaotic mystery to a man, and especially to a man who is enchanted by his own arrogant intelligence. He is attracted and fascinated by women, those strangely unreachable beings, who remain a mystery for his controlling mind. And quite frankly, I have had no other career than that of trying to figure out that mystery through several marriages spanning for over thirty years.

This morning, I realized what an ordinary asshole of a man I had been in trying to reach and control women out of my masculine arrogance, fear, and contempt. I had done what all other big and small Nazis have done through world history, I have tried to control the infinity I was afraid of by the limited means of my arrogant intellect. I have tried something that can never work. Never ever.

Femininity is the loving embrace of infinity, where all life takes place. Masculinity is a will and an intellect shaping that infinity. Masculinity suffering from its own arrogance and fearing love, has desperately tried to control everything living and everything loving, or what the intellect can never comprehend by itself. Right now we are all living in an extremely contradictory world created by this madness and inner struggle. I am living in it, too.

The solution is not the victory or loss of masculinity or femininity, but the square revelation and abandonment of both male and female madness. Only I can ever see through my own madness, only you can give up yours. Only by seeing yourself and your neighbor – whoever he or she is – honestly and kindly through the eyes of love and then using the brighty flashing sword of your intellect to remove all that threatens that beauty within you, can you and your world ever truly change.

I am at the heart of my humanity, or in my own innate joy and love, when the battle of all apparent opposites, like masculinity and femininity and good and evil, has come to an end within my own mind. I can only control my own creative mind with the brightly flashing sword of my intellect. All others should be out of bounds for me. Everybody else is in the unlimited arms of love, of which all the women who have ever ventured near me have always tried their best to remind me. It was only now that I heard, understood, and felt how arrogantly I, too, had blamed them and rejected them, holding them guilty for the fact that I had not been able to love them because my delusory manhood. I had not been able to take them in the arms of my love that I had not yet embraced in myself.

I am sorry, I am so deeply sorry that I have refused the miracle of love and joy repeatedly offered by women who have ventured close to me. Their deepest desire and longing has always been to be seen as whole and equal beings, the same that I have been yearning for. But because I have imagined the source of love to be in them and denied it in myself, I have been yearning from them the same love that they have longed from me. And so we have both suffocated in the chastisement of our common longing, where time and time again I have refused to be the love I have so deeply longed for.

This morning I cried out all of this as tears of gratitude flowing down my cheeks. I cried out all of it and at the same time rejoiced at the opening of the miracle of love that took place in me. I used to imagine that someday my journey would come to an end, but now I know that there can be no limit to the opening up of this boundless love. A human being is the creative union of miraculous intelligence and boundless love in you and me forever and always, and only right now. Amen.