July 4

Actually it wasn’t a Sunday, maybe a Wednesday. But she came to me and asked whether she could move into our house and become housekeeper for me and my 7 years old daughter. She said that she would divide her time between us and another family of friends. She only needed room and board, and would not be interested in any relationship with me. I was open to her proposal. So she moved in.

My daughter had lost her mother some 3 months ago and I had lost my wife. We had fared well through the crises. It had been so predictable, so natural for her to die after her long illness, that even her loving daughter said ”Good riddance” when her Mother was gone. She just needed to journey on.

This new woman in our house was a friend of mine, we had every now and then met and talked about mutually interesting matters. Spiritual matters were our common ground. We talked on and she was also very effective in cleaning the house, washing the windows, cooking delicious meals and washing our clothes. She also helped me to get rid of old stuff from our cupboards and even created a new lighter order in our rooms with new curtains, flowers and stuff.

It was fun to have this new wind blowing in our house. Also my daughter enjoyed her company. She was good for us both. And even though my intellect said that this was a weird situation, not really by the book, I gradually grew more and more accustomed and satisfied by it. Yes, I knew about all those old stories of housekeepers to widowed men gradually becoming their new wives, but I did not take that very seriously either. I just let things happen. And after three weeks of mutually enjoyable life there arose some stirrings in my body, emotions from my heart. Could this be the next relationship? The one that could be good both for me and my daughter?

Then last week we paid a visit to a good friend of mine, an old relative to my wife, with whom I have always had a very open and trusting relationship. Actually she had suggested just a couple of weeks before the housekeeper arrived that I should find a new partner, that I was worth it.

So we had a grand day with her. Even pondered about the possibility of moving to live together in her house in the woods as she was getting weak and we were keen to find a place in the country. The day felt like as if I had presented my new partner to my dearest, highly respected relative.

That evening we both felt very close, and specially so after she had called my wife’s spirit to my daughter’s bedroom, when it was time for her to go to bed. My daughter saw her mother and communicated with her by throwing things at her. In her spiritual form she was only able to catch a ball of energy her daughter finally threw at her. My new friend could also sense and hear my wife’s presence. They were actually quite like each other, both in form and in temper. A good match, I thought.

That very night we embraced briefly, opened for the possibility of our bodies meeting. It was good and it was open, with a slight reserve. And the following day was easy and simple, just like being with good friends.

The next morning it was all over. She was not ready to go any further, she would need to take care of her self for some days, and if I ever were willing to get intimate with her I should have my soul healed. She sensed that my soul was broken after an incident when my mother got mentally ill when I was 5 years of age. She even proposed that she called a healer she thought I needed.

You cannot help a man by forcing him to change. You cannot make a man your slave by alluring him to become want you want of him. Or you can, and you make a fool of both of you.

Obviously she got scared. This was getting too serious. It was a game of two adults, a man and a woman. She never visited the other family where she would be housekeeping after she had settled at our place. She herself used the word cohabitant to describe our relationship. And it is all right now. Just like Free…

”She said, “Look, what’s your game, baby?
Are you tryna’ put me to shame?”

I said “Slow, don’t go so fast, don’t you think that love can last?”

She said, “Love, Lord above,
Now you’re tryna’ trick me in love.”

All right now, baby, it’s a-all right now.
All right now, baby, it’s a-all right now.”

It’s all right now. I thank her for bringing up some more sorrow from my heart, sorrow to be faced and healed, released for something truly new to come up. I thank her for her ”sudden death” or disappearence from my life when I had just opened my heart for the possibility of a new kind of sharing and loving. I trusted her words when she repeatedly said that she was getting ready for a relationship, I trusted her shared words and intimate stories, her willingness to communicate with my mind. I felt our minds connecting and was about to let that connection to spread to our bodies, when it suddenly was all over.

Thank you for dying on me, for your sudden disappearance from my life. You helped to heal the sorrows of my mother and my wife disappearing from my life, those deep losses of my past. Thank you for bringing up more sorrow to be healed, thank you for showing me that there still lives a shadow of utter loneliness in my mind, loneliness so deep and dark that I was ready to ignore it, to let it be. Just like the Beatles…

”When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be”

Thank you for awakening all of my hidden anger, my grief for being abandoned and left alone. Thank you for revealing my vulnerability, the hurt that I had buried deep in my heart. Thank you for letting me experience the deep hatred and mistrust for all of my nearest and dearest, and for the whole of my world. Thank you for opening me up. You were godsent to heal me, to remind me who I really am, and have always been. A God on a journey of exploration into itself, I am.