”Find arms that will hold you at your weakest times, eyes that will see your beauty at your ugliest times, and a heart that will love you at your worst.”

A friend of mine sent this right after I had finished my previous text about judges and judgements. My reaction to it was the following:

That lover can only be found from within yourself:)

And her answer: And when you found it from within you can be that kind of lover for the others:)

To which I added: The lover we are all searching for is the Lover within, the God or Life itself that is the Source of all of us. The more your focus is on the nonjudgmental God within the more you are able to see, hear, touch and feel the same in others. Just start from yourself, the others will answer your call, whatever be your quality… Just like they have always done!

All so right and true, except that I found myself overwhelmed by an enormous yearning to be loved, to be embraced and to be acknowledged. And I did not know what to do about this deep emotion of my heart, how to face it, how to understand its meaning at this moment of my life.

Later in the afternoon I just couldn’t take it anymore, I needed to do something about it, my heart was breaking. I called an old relative of mine, a woman living alone in the dark forests of my country. I called her and understood that she actually represented for me the continuity of love, of seeing, of hearing and touching. I needed to meet her.

While I was driving towards her place I suddenly understood why these feelings had arisen in me this very day. They were the cries of the emotionally wounded child that I had protected behind my heavy armor of judgement, and when the armor was now broken, seen as futile, the hidden child came fore with all the pains that it had carried for so long. The child that had not been loved was finally allowed to be heard, to be seen and to be embraced. And it was my job to do it, my job to accept all of me, all the burdens of my past emotions that I had carried, and maybe still carry.

Can I just observe all of my emotions, whatever their form or definition, arising from the unconscious folds of my own mind? Can I just see them as they are, as physical reactions to emotional situations of my past stored in the structures of my body? Can I let them be without judging them, without trying to do something about them, just seeing them and deciding not to go along with them anymore? Can I see them as unruly children of my own mind that need to be seen and to be accepted just as they are, without an ounce of judgement?

Can I accept my emotions, all of them, and love them for what they have been and what they have taught me during so many years of my life? Can I love what I have been, and thus finish this emotional chapter of my past engraved in my bodily reactions? Can I let go of what I have been, for that truly is the only way of ever opening ourselves for something else, for something new, for something that I have not yet smeared with the heavy emotions of a past long gone?