August 22

We both do seem to battle with feelings of sadness and separation of our own kind. We have both created our current worlds to reflect our innermost emotions, those that we have died with for so many times. All our feelings of aloneness have recently been raised to nth potency, so that we one day would be ready to face them all and smilingly say: “Thank you for this profound experience and these powerful emotions. I got your message, I who have  thought that I am Alone have in truth been AllOne through all of these experiences. I now consciously choose to return home to my Oneness with God. I am God and I choose to experience something else. Open up the pearly gates!”

During these past few days I have found a platform of peace where I can observe myself, my world and all my emotions with ease and freedom. Everything is still there and everything has changed as I now know that I am not a slave of any of it anymore, not even of my own personality of past emotions. And I sense something similar in your letter, the intensity of your sorrow over your mother, and your own fate beside her, seems to have given room for a more tranquil acceptance of what is – the only reality not worth fighting against. What is can only be changed through acceptance.

I have also thought your thoughts about finding a loving companion with whom to share my experiences. And I know full well that this being, this mirror of my innermost love, can only be attracted to me when my love, the God within, shines brightly and freely without all those devious filters of sadness, separation, sorrow, hate and fear that I am so accustomed to carry. I can only find the true mirror of my Love when I myself am worthy of it, when I am living it.

When I was almost 5 years old my mother’s mind couldn’t take the conflict with my father anymore. She prepared a curious kind of altar of strange things at home. She took my newborn brother in her hands and said to me “Let’s go”. We got out into the rainy autumn night  and started walking. When we had walked for a long time I asked my mother: Where are we going? She said we were going to God.

It took us several hours to get to the center of the town and to a big heavy door on a side street. Mother opened the door, it was a door to a church, maybe pentecostal or other so called free church. Mother was taken to a mental hospital and we kids to a children’s home from where my father picked us up when he came home the next day. My mother had left me, just as she would do repeatedly during my childhood years.

I have been leaving people, especially my many wives and children. Maybe I have been protecting my soul from further deceptions of the nearest by doing it first. Only with my last wife I stayed on until she left me, and us. And now many people who have first come very near to me have left me very abruptly. The tide is turning… And in truth: Who can ever leave the God within me? Not even I myself!

Do you remember when you visited our family in our hotel and asked me:  What is my message to you? And I pondered deeply and said that I feel that you have buried a great sorrow in your mind, body and soul. You acknowledged that it had something to do with your father. He had deceived you and your mother in a most terrible way. You did not want to go further into it. It was so bad.

My mother’s “deception” of my childish love has been a kind of emotional seed around which I have created my life of loneliness. Maybe your father’s deception has become your emotional seed of pain which you have buried so deep in your soul in order to keep it from happening again? But the deeper we have buried something in our soul the more it governs our life from the darkness, creating repetitive patterns influenced by this very seed emotion we want to keep away from our life. This would keep producing situations we want to avoid just like you describe in your letter to me.

Our past haunts us only because we are unwilling to face the pains with which it has been cemented in our mind. And our past only governs us as long as we keep it hidden. For in the conscious focus of the love ever flowing from within us all the suppressed past would be seen and embraced for what it is, childish emotions trapped by fear. Then all those ghost would be released back to God whence they once came to us because we demanded it.

We have created all the patterns of our life, the seeds around which we then built our body, our family and our world. Everything in our life reflects the seeds of our own mind. Everything and everybody, even the worst deceivers, are in my life because I created it that way. I wanted to have all the pains of my past displayed on the canvas of my world in ever bigger and more painful ways.

My world and my personal reflection in it is getting worse and more terrible so that I would finally need to face it fully. I cannot go on neglecting my personal responsibility as a full-blown creator of my own reality. It is time to wake up, to accept the divine heritage that I have been running away for so long. For in the full light of my love the dragons of my past turn out to be tiny lizards ready to run away whenever I choose to let them go.

Then and only then is there room in my mind, and thus in my world, for new creation to take place, for new wonderful realities to blossom up as I accept the divinity which has been with me and within me, and I within it, for the whole journey of my individual creativity through eternity. A human being becomes a Godbeing as the shells of fear are broken and our innermost nature gets to blossom. A new still unknown page is turned in the huge Book of Life. Are you ready to turn the page?

PS. You might also want to read my story about “Micheal the Knight” further down the page. It deals with same issues…