July 21

Do you love me? Are you the one I have been looking for? Are you the one who can love me the way I want to, give me the acknowledgement and support, the caresses and care my soul yearns for? Are you?

We are both emotionally built to search for love from each other, from the other. That’s how our world and reality has been built since we took our first breaths by the breast of our mother. My mother was the first other – maybe the word mother actually comes from ”my other”? Who knows…

But as you know, in our present world most mothers are carrying tremendous burdens of hurt and grief as they have been most cruelly herded through lives past and present as the subservient cattle to the ruling and loveless men. They have been made to fear their own feelings, their own natural instincts to love, care and nourish. Our mothers have lived in fear, in fear for the blind male dominance that has not allowed them to be the naturally loving beings they are in their living heart. Thus we, the children of these mothers, have searched for love from mothers, who have not been raised to love themselves and to let their love flow innocently and powerfully as it should.

We have sought love from beyond the fears that our mothers have carried in their souls. We have sought love that they were unable to give, as they have been fearful to let their healing love flow through their being as they have been punished for it so many times through the ages. You know how we burned witches or the women whose natural healing talents of love were seen as a threat to the male dominance of the church! You know how many women have proclaimed as mentally ill when they have refused to adhere to the strict structures of the male dominated society! You know how women have been made to suffer for their natural instincts of love and compassion! You know how many women have ignored their own instincts and sought to become more like the ruling men to survive in this cruel world! And we the children of these women have been nourished with their milk laced with their deep grief of not been loved and accepted as they are! That’s our heritage, the burden that we all carry!

Now we understand why our mothers could not give us the love we yearned from them. They had been brought up to fear themselves, their own natural love. That is why their breast milk left us unsatisfied, unnourished on the deepest levels of our soul. And that’s why we have all sought that fulfillment from the embraces of other deeply hurt women and men; from lovers, wives and husbands. Has anybody found it? Have you?

Surely we have all found glimpses of love in the eyes and through the touch of our mothers, fathers and lovers! Love is there in each and everyone of us, it is the life-force itself, the spark of eternity giving and creating this life and this body for us to play and experience with! There are moments when we dare to love, or just give our loving acceptance to the other beside us whether this love is expressed just as an open look, a touch of hand or thought, or as a deep embrace of two bodies opening in the flow of what is. Love is in all of us all the time, it is our own inner flame, we are just afraid of letting it spread to the reality of our world built upon fears, threats and lack of love and abundance. We are all children of unloved mothers, of mothers who have through the ages learned to fear the power of their own love!

So what do I do? Where do I find the fulfillment my soul is yearning for? Not from my mother, she has already left this world. Not from my previous spouses and lovers, they have left me or I have left them. They have their own lives to live. Not from my children either, who also have their own lives to live even though love is obviously expressed in our contacts. Where do I find my love?

Funny thing is that when we ask the question: Where do I find my love? we instinctively assume that ”my love” would be found somewhere out there, in some ”m’other” who would finally give it to me. Thus ”my love” is explicitly in you, it’s yours to give, which makes me dependent upon your will and your whims. You can easily make me do whatever you want as long as I believe that you have ”my love”. I become your slave, and you become my slave if we in our mutual yearning for love maintain the illusion that ”my love” exists within you, it’s yours and yours is mine. Is that love? Is that what we all are truly after?

That’s the way our world is built: our relationships, our marriages and even our businesses and social structures are built upon the powerful premise of lack of love that we all carry in our hearts. We desperately try to satisfy our deep yearning for love and acceptance by buying into all kinds of economical, political or spiritual products, schemes, gimmicks and programs, which are built upon the promise of love when we succumb to the will of ”m’other”, or the one who has the love missing in me.

Curiously some people think that they could find their love in me! How could I, who walk around like a black hole of lack could ever give anybody the love they yearn for! Or is it that we are all blind to ourselves, to the love reciding in all of us, as we seek to find ”my love” in ”m’other”? Are we all fooled in this game? Are we all let to believe in the powerlessness and lovelessness of our own being so that somebody somewhere can always sway our will with the promise of love, of my own love in them? How could I ever have lost my love in somebody else? How could anybody ever carry my love in themselves?

There is nobody out there carrying my love! There’s nobody out there who has stolen it from me! My love has always been in me, it has just been covered by our shared game of ignorance, where we have chosen to seek our love from those others like us, who are equally seeking their love from us. We have mutually chosen to ignore the fact that the love we have sought from ”m’others” has always been within ourselves; it has been, and is, the very essence of life, the sparkle of energy within, which has allowed us these games of hide and seek. The love we all seek for is the life itself carrying each of us.

So the glimpses of love we have experienced with those others have been true, they do have their love/life just like we all do. But they also have their fears and ignorances, which so easily cover the innocence of their love, just like my own fears so easily cover my love for them. We can never make anybody love us the way we want! None of ”m’others” can ever give me the continuous abundance of love that I have been searching for. None of them can give me the love/life that has continuously nourished me and given me the chance to experience my self-imposed lack of love. I am the love I have been searching for! I am the never dwindling abundance within that I have learned to ignore and negate! I am the answer to all my yearnings! I am the giver of all life! I am.