My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer when our daughter was six months old and she died three days before this daughter had her seventh birthday. All the while she was fighting to live, and still moving towards death, I kept telling her that if she gave herself the same love that she gave to her students and the singers in her choirs, she would definitely be able to heal herself. Her dedication to her work as a music teacher was of such caliber; she just gave all that could be given in any situation, she was wholly loving.

But she was never able to love herself like that. It was as if the love that I could observe while she was working was not really for herself. She may have felt that she was not worth it. And for a long time I was really angry at her as she in my eyes refused to help or love herself. Only when her health really deteriorated some six months before her death, did I fully accept her choice not to apply her love to herself and to die. We both accepted it and found the long sought peace in our relationship. And then she died. Read the rest of this entry »

This vision arose while I was listening A Course in Miracles teacher David Hoffmeister’s newest teaching “The Answer to Every Problem” from 21^st Nov 2019. I sensed a temporal timeline of my personal past reaching through me to create my future. I saw my human experience of problems upon problems extending and creating time along which I have kept on trying to resolve my human miseries, fears, anxieties without ever reaching the end. And neither has anybody else done it. Only the death of my body has always come in the end, and my painful past has then been repeated as an equally painful future. The mill of miseries has kept grinding on…

In Finnish there happens to be a saying “Sama vika Rahikaisella!”, which is used as an exclamation after you have done something stupid, meaning that you are not the only one to do so as Rahikainen has also made the same mistake. I am the one! Read the rest of this entry »

Once upon time on a regular grey day I was walking along the main street of a nearby town. The day was cloudy, people were rushing about in their daily business while cars and buses were swishing back and forth. Everything was quite normal.

Then something happened or took place in my mind. Suddenly I felt like I was carried by millions of energy lines touching me from all the possible directions of space. I was buoyed in the bosom of something invisible, something beyond of what I saw and what my senses were bringing in. Read the rest of this entry »

Over 30 years ago the wife of my dear friend was deeply involved in this thick tome of a book called A Course In Miracles. She was very enthusiastic about it, willing to live a miraculous life. I was not touched by her eagerness as I had something else to do…

During the past year or so I have met several new people in whom I have recognized a certain quality of lightness, an opening in the thickness that usually seems to pervade the human mind. It feels as I had wandered through a dense forest hacking my own winding path with the sword of my intellect. My lonely path has meandered up and down through bogs, marshes, hills and rocky mountains and valleys. And finally as I begin to discern an opening I can see there other persons who have somehow reached the same opening. They must have taken another path there… Read the rest of this entry »

I once spent a couple of days traveling with a woman who had been severely abused as a child. I was conscious both of her repeatedly expressed victimhood and my own tendency to try to save the victims that I come in contact with. By now I had understood that I have been carrying a deep sense of guilt, which I had tried to alleviate by saving all the ladies in distress that had come my way. And in the end I had always failed after a glorious beginning…

This time around I needed to find a new a way of meeting a distressed lady. I needed to be present without succumbing to my own “a knight on a white stallion” -syndrome. It was a challenge as the heavy and interdependent roles of victimhood/savior in both of us were dragging us to repeat ourselves, to repeat our past as our ever old future. How to overcome my own past, my past reactions? By now I already knew that I cannot overcome somebody else’s past. Read the rest of this entry »

Just a moment ago I was enjoying our Sunday dinner cooked and prepared by my daughter Tindra. She is 14 and she loves to cook, and this time she experimented with rice and dry-fried tofu and vegetables. The meal was delicious, as usual.

But something else also happened during the meal, something that shook the foundations of my identity in a healthy and delicious way. As we sat down for our meal Tindra expressed her annoyance for it being already so dark outside. True to my nature I countered gently: “Yes it’s dark, but you absolutely choose your attitude towards it, Tindra.” She answered joking that“ as a frail old man close to death you have had many more winters to get adjusted to it.” That is true…

There is a phenomenon of counterwill, which I was recently introduced by Dr. Gabor Maté in his book Scattered Minds. By it he means the will of a developing child to go forcibly against the will of the parent without really being conscious of her own will, which is common in the age of 3-4 and later in the teens. We have experienced a lot of it with my daughter the sole parent of whom I have been since her mother died seven years ago. But still it was good to get a description for it… Read the rest of this entry »

The other day I had some time in the local town before I would attend a 5rhythms dance session in the evening. I love dancing and especially dancing to the five rhythms of flowing, staccato, chaos, lyrical and stillness forming a naturally meditative session of movement. The dance becomes a wave of life, of birth, death and renewal… of profound joy.

I had not danced for over a half a year. But now was the time… even though I felt a bit stiff and tired in my body after having worked a lot in the garden these past weeks. I would just give my being a chance to flow, and it usually does:)

But as I already told you I had some time before the dance, and my feet took me to a bookshop where I browsed the shelves with English pocket books. I found a book by Gabor Maté, a renowned Canadian physician. I had read two other books by him: When The Body Says No and In The Realm of The Hungry Ghosts and been greatly influenced by his intelligence and genuine will to uncover the hidden structures of human development. This new book was about ADD and was called Scattered Minds. I put it in my pocket and went to dance. Read the rest of this entry »

I attended a Quaker meeting today for the first time in my life and thus spent an hour sitting in a silent circle with eight other people. During that time I eventually experienced a profound sense of being a happy failure, a sense that was also translated into tremors of joy traveling through the whole of my body. I opened to the emptiness of Life Itself within the circle, I touched the Space of Joy within me. Read the rest of this entry »

The world that you have created for yourselves on the platform of this beautiful Earth of utmost variety is like an acid test for all the cracks, fears and limitations that you have chosen to carry in your soul. All your dark feelings of fearful nature are enlarged and blown up on the canvas of your life. All the hooks and anchors that you carry in your unconsciousness are made visible and deeply felt in your human world run by fear and hunger for possession and power. All your past programs still running your present moment of life are blown up to such proportions that you just cannot fail to see them and eventually deal with them.
Read the rest of this entry »

These are the words of Life Itself to me or to any human being who carries within him/herself the sense of being a Greedy Bastard, which cannot seem to be fully satisfied by anything or anybody:

“You eat too much, you drink too much, you instinctively try to fill the felt emptiness within yourself through your mouth. Hunger is a natural urge of your animal body, but when it is expanded and combined with an unconscious urge to fill your spiritual emptiness, then you are in for a rough ride. And as you very well know by now it it only gives you a moment of very basic satisfaction and then ends up giving you all kinds of troubles of indigestion and finally expanding your waistline. What to do? Read the rest of this entry »